El Salvador Adoption – Home – Through Week 3
September 6th, 2009
Posted by Beth
Author’s Note: I feel like we should rename this journal blog, ‘Stark Reality of International Adoption…’ or something like that.
Hi again–
A thought to open with:
Don’t tell God how big your problems are. Tell your problems how big your God is.
Uh-hem…
Well, I had good intentions of updating this journal every week after we returned home. After all, we managed nearly a daily update while we were in ES, so weekly oughta be a cinch, right?
Not as easy as I thought.
Here’s why…
This past week we celebrated 3 weeks at home. I forgot how much routines are welcome bedfellows. Sorta like a comfy pair of sweats.
And with school starting, Nestor quickly found himself tossed into the daily routine of what we call Americana: Morning Routine.
That’s the one constant I count on every Monday thru Friday right now.
And when you adopt internationally–especially an older child–the one thing I’ve learned is that consistency in schedule is everything. Everything else in your daily schedule?
Organized mayhem: “S-T-C” (subject to change).
Except for school.
No complaints there, he’s doing fantastico. There are three other kids in his second-grade class that speak Espanol and one little girl, Emily, has especially taken him under her wing. Thanks to God for Emily!
Nestor seems to enjoy learning new things, but tell me repeatedly, “Escuela is mucho trabajo!” (School is a lot of work!) Six hours of English all day long, I know, swells his head.
And in my limited Spanish, I’ve tried to assure him that it’s all cool and fun… especially when you’re learning… but I’m not sure he’s bought into that yet.
Time will tell. 
Since we’ve returned home, Nestor has been introduced to baseball. He says it’s his “favorita”. Not bad, considering they don’t play baseball in ES.
And while baseball doesn’t start until the Spring, we’ve decided to get him into Soccer during the Fall for further physical outlet. Probably be the first time he’s played organized soccer.
Still, though, school and play time are cool. But at home?
We still face challenges.
How does that old saying go?
“As long as your kids are good for other people, you can deal with the meltdowns at home?”
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha (hiccup) ha ha ha ha.
Uh-hem.
Now, don’t get me wrong, things are better. And we’ve managed to reach out and make friends with several professionals (LCSW, therapists and teachers), as well as a few other adoptive parents, who’ve all been a help to our sanity.
I think many of the behavioral issues simply arise out of poor communication. Or at least us being able to communicate more forcefully and convincingly to him in Spanish.
He hasn’t fully bought-in to (or begun to fear) my Spanish momma-tone, if you know what I mean.
I am thankful that we know some Spanish and can only imagine how hard it must be for our friends and others who have adopted older kid’s (age 3+) from countries like China, Russia or Ethiopia, where there’s limited (and no) language for their child when they get home.
At home, we’ve introduced visual charts in the house which have been a tremendous help adjusting his behavior. We have a positive behavior chart (Good Attitude, Good Manners, Kind to Others, Ask Permission First) and review them daily. Nestor earns stickers for good behavior in those areas, which equate to rewards.
We try to make a conscious effort to “catch him doing something right” and really make a big deal out of it with loads of praise. Sorta like when Matthew was potty training and we made a big deal about it.
“Good manners, Nestor!” “Nestor, thanks for having a great attitude!” “Thanks for asking permission first” and so-on.
Nevertheless, I still struggle with Nestor’s pouting and defiance when things don’t go his way.
Truthfully… I’m more than struggling with it.
He’s a kid grounded in radical self-reliance. And when he doesn’t get his way, he becomes an open storehouse of emotions that pour out–withdrawal, pouting, anger, resentment, close mindeness, tantrum, you name it.
I’ve finally started to understand that with children who have been institutionalized, clinically it’s proven they’ve lost half of their age in emotional maturity. So at 8 years old, we’re dealing with 4 year old behavior with Nestor.
I wish someone would have prepared us for that.
In fact, if you’re reading and hoping to adopt an older child who speaks another language: Be warned. Your adoption may be all fun and excitement now and as much as you’ve told yourself that behavior like this could never, ever enter our pretty little world of lah-lah land: Don’t kid yourself. We didn’t see this one coming, and you do not undo an older child easily.
Daryl tends to deal with it much better than me. He says it’s my bull-headed stubbornness that gets in the way… especially when I don’t deal with a kid one-upping me or playing the manipulative game.
“No comprende mami, no se” …
Oh right, pal!
Don’t give me that… you know exactly what I’m saying, don’t pull that (deleted) with me…!!
I’m getting better at saying, “Okay, if that’s the way you want to act, then you’ll need to deal with the consequences (such as no baseball or no dvds)…” and just try to walk away and let him have time to decide how he’s going to behave.
And I cross my fingers and I pray.
Because that’s easy to say and do when we don’t have something pressing. But it’s a royal pain when it happens five minutes before we have to leave for Matt’s guitar lesson–which we’re already late for–for example.
But we are making progress.
It’s most evident to me at night when reading a bedtime story. Nestor sits close to me in bed and I read a story or two in Spanish. He snuggles in, and for those few minutes, we trust each other a little bit more.
And so trust–as in every relationship in life–is probably at the heart of all of this. Us trusting Nestor; Him trusting us.
I’m so proud of how Mateo has handled it. Yesterday, I struggled so with the thoughts of how his world has been turned upside down.
He’s been through a lot in his young life–losing his sister when he was seven, gaining an eight-year old brother right after he turned twelve. And yet, he continues to grow and mature and makes us proud every single day.
He’s so happy to be back in school, partly because he’s the ‘go-to-guy’ for so many things (including the other kids who need help remembering what their homework was.)
Travel baseball has him occupied Matt now, and he enjoys being in the youth group at church. I’m so glad for his involvement and so appreciative of the other kids who have shared this journey with him–and commiserated about having younger siblings. 
Matt’s faith is important to him, and how he professes it and lives it is something very beautiful.
………………………
So back to this roller coaster ride called international adoption.
Actually, let me footnote that: international adoption of an older child.
It’s kinda like Space Mountain–you’re riding this coaster in the dark and don’t know exactly what’s coming up next: Corkscrew turn, steep drop, a thrill a minute–often frightening, largely fun, but a lot of unknown…and in the end, I’m sure we’ll look back on the ride and smile with satisfaction.
But someone care to fast forward for me, so I can know?
Last 5 posts by Beth
- El Salvador Update - Month 12
- El Salvador Update - Month 3
- El Salvador Adoption - Home 1 Month
- El Salvador Adoption - Home - Week 1
- El Salvador Adoption - Home - Day 1
From Becky Rossway
I love you Beth!!
PS The horse is spending the month in Pompano Beach. I’ll let you know when he comes home.
09/11/09 4:48 PM | Comment Link |
From kim
We’re weeks away from departing to adopt our four from Brazil. We’re mentally preparing for all this x4! Whew!
09/11/09 9:21 PM | Comment Link |
From Claudine
Keeping you all in our prayers. You’re doing a great job and God is with you. We love you guys!
09/12/09 9:24 AM | Comment Link |
From Lisa
Thanks for sharing, have thought of you and only see you in passing at Glendale! Sounds like you are doing your best in the situation. TIME, it is hard but with time things will be more smooth for you as well as the little guy. Be well and smile! Lisa
09/12/09 3:56 PM | Comment Link |
From Nancy
Hi Beth,
I keep tabs on you with your Mother, but have not seen her since your visit with her Monday. I do hope Nestor enjoyed the first visit at “Grandma and Grandpa’s” Lake. I don’t know if you tried fishing but I know how much Matt enjoys that. I continue to think of you all and trust God will guide you and others to bring Nestor into a joyous appreciation of this new life he is so luck to have.
God Bless!!
Nancy
09/12/09 4:24 PM | Comment Link |
From dan
Sounds like you guys are doing great in spite of the challenges and adjustments of a new life for all four of you. You can not only appreciate the radical chnage it is for Nestor but in some ways you are experiencing that radical change yourself. The growth curve is certainly exaserbated by the language barrier which no doubt he will master in time. And you are to be commended for your noble efforts. I had a son who was expressing his mustang self-will as a toddler and there was no lnguage barrier just a you can’t tell me no or you can’t make me do what you want. Maybe there was a communication barrier that I just didn’t know about between what James Dobson was telling me and what my little son was expressing! I can imagine Nestor testing his limits and exploring his boundaries esspecially in new territory but he feels free to be himself because he knows he is loved and is feeling at home. Teaching unconditional love and rules at the same time has always been a challenge in the home and in the church. God bless you with the grace and peace that only He can give. No doubt you and the Lord have already shared many heights and depths together in your life, but I am sure you are discovering some new corners where you are meeting. Training the other men in your life may have seemed easy by comparison but with their loving support I am sure you will succeed and excel with the third “man” in the family! I am so glad you have so many supportive friends and professionals as well as family. And that you can be honest and vent with the Lord as well! He gives us what we ask for and then gives us grace to deal with it!! Again it sounds like you guys are doing a great job of sharing the love and exercising the tough love. No parent should ever be ashamed of bribes and rewards if they work!
Cherrie uses them in her classrooms every day, and I used them with my kids grades when needed. I am glad you see the progress and sense that he is happy even though it isn’t easy. Anyway, we love you guys and are so proud and happy for you. And you’re in our prayers. Blessings to all, Dan
09/12/09 10:08 PM | Comment Link |
From Kim
Hey Beth, I just checked back in today to see how you all are doing, and yes – flash forward, and it DOES get better. My boys were much younger than Nestor (2 1/2) when we brought them home, but even still there were many times when I thought I was parenting wild animals instead of children when it came to disciplining them. They HATED time-outs and didn’t think they should have to have them. I sometimes spent 3-4 hours of my day JUST on getting little boys to stop tantruming and sit in time-out for 2 whole minutes quietly. Then about a year and a half in, one of them went through a phase of telling me, when he was in trouble, “Maybe you should just send me back to [country of origin].” Which told me they were afraid their adoption might not be permanent if they behaved badly enough. They were checking to see.
But 2 1/2 years after bringing them home, it’s much, much better. They know they’re here to stay, they’ve fully transitioned to English, they better understand what happened to them and can recite their life story, and we’re in-process to adopt again in E.S.
There will always be ways that adoption issues come back up over the years. But I’m sure you WILL see a less-riled-up Nestor once he feels “at home” in this new life. He’s lost a lot in order to gain a lot, so he probably doesn’t even know WHAT he feels all the time. But you’re doing great by being consistent and by having scheduled snuggle time at bedtime. And by being the one in-charge – he needs you to be! God’s working in your relationship, even when it seems like he’s just hanging back to see how crazed your son can make you!
Just one tip, in case no one has already given it to you: teach him the names of a range of human emotions in English, and practice making the faces to express those with him. It helps all kids – but especially those who have been through so much – to be able to put a label on a feeling. It contains it somewhat for them, like “oh, this is ‘Mad.’” Sometimes the intensity of their emotions frightens even them. My boys made a leap in emotional-stability when they were able to tell me “Mama, I’m frust-er-ated.”
Praying God sustains you gracefully through this shocking phase! It really is tough!
09/29/09 2:16 PM | Comment Link |